Sunday, September 21, 2008

LOVE that top.





I love the appeal to ignorance! Now that's hot. Like the air in the Shenzhen sweatshop that cute top came from.

There are quite a many known nasty facts about high-fructose corn syrup, but the main reason I avoid it is because it is a hallmark of foods that have been processed to within an inch of the definition of "food." Picture the little pulverized "whole-grain" cereal puffs, rolling down the factory belt, getting sprayed with flavor coating, tumbling in the blast dryer...

Friday, September 12, 2008

My Acceptance Speech

Radar Online has a Mad Libs game where you can make your own acceptance speech for your party's presidential nomination.

Here's mine.


My Darling Babies, it is with profound humility and great mild appreciation that I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States. [Pause for applause.]

Growing up as a young boy in Greenwich Village, where I spent my days studying boxing so that I could one day go to college, and my nights doing needlepoint so that I could put some food on the table for my 5 brothers and sisters, I never thought I'd be standing here today. I never thought I'd be standing here after facing no toilet paper in the Upper East Side while serving my country as a proud member of the Chess Club, or when standing up against delayed mail while a United States senator, either. But my fellow Americans, I am standing before you today, and for that, I am eternally grateful. [Pause for applause.]

I didn't get here alone, of course. Far from it. Where would I be without my beautiful wife, Chicken Head, who is the smartest person I know? Or my 6 lovely daughters? You mean the world to me. I'm so proud of you.

But tonight isn't about what I've accomplished in the past. It's about what we're going to accomplish going forward. Together. You see, we stand here today at a crossroads. The issues we face—an iffy war abroad, a flabby economy at home, and an uphill battle against sustainable bamboo harvesting—aren't Yellow or Red issues. They're America's issues. Dealing with them is going to take a united front.

It's also going to take hard work. Being willing to answer the phone at 3 a.m. Dedication to the task at hand. Which is why, my fellow Americans, I've enlisted the help of the wonderful, talented, Governor Binky Townhouse to be my vice president—your vice president—to help get this country back on track. Her years of legislative experience, willingness to confront the complacent Washington elite head on, and an upstanding reputation for being a damn fool are of vital importance to this ticket. I could not be happier.

America, we still have a lot of work to do, but I'm confident that we'll make it through these turbulent times and turn back the Screamies. God bless! And God save America.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Bedtime for Momma.

I have 62 great ideas for intelligent essays about parenting and early childhood development and politics and other stuff too, and not one iota of energy with which to string the words together.

One of them is going to be about how I really hate it when random strangers in the grocery store tell my daughter she is beautiful, "just like a little doll!"

One of them is going to be about how to praise people's work, no matter what age they are.

One of them is going to be a how-to about moving overseas, possibly set to music. ("Hello...Scandinavia! Your healthcare sure is keen!" (jazz hands)).

This post is going to be about how it's the beginning of the first full week of teaching and I'm already tired, but my record is live on amazon.com. You can listen to some tracks for free on each of my websites, and you can preview little snippets, and of course buy songs, by clicking on that big ol' picture.



"Amalfi" is my favorite song, if you're only going to buy one.

That is all.